Tag Archives: chemotherapy

Day 190: Let loose

Six days later, they let us loose! Turns out we all had RSV (Respiratory Syncytial Virus). Blech. Her ANC was 0 for two days, which means she had no immunity to anything (anything!) and her fever ran in the 103′s-104′s for a few days before she started to turn the corner. She needed one blood transfusion and one platelet transfusion, but otherwise, it was a pretty uneventful stay.

None of us are at 100% right now, but we are exceedingly happy to be home. We are free to move about the house as we wish. We can go to the kitchen and make food whenever we want. No one pesters us at midnight and then again at 4am to draw our blood and check our blood pressure. No IV pole. No needle in her chest. No diarrhea-inducing, belly aching IV antibiotics. No mechanical bed. No fluorescent lighting. No hazmat suits. No masks.

Home is the best. THE BEST!

That being said, I am waiting for the stress and panic to dissipate. Something in my brain keeps shouting: “Her counts are so low! She is going to get a fever again. You are going back to the hospital. Don’t get too comfortable.” And it is possible. We could go back again before we are really out of the woods. I know it is no use brooding over it, and we should just enjoy the time we have at home. Everyone will tell me that. I know. I just need to figure out a way to intercept that shouting voice . . .

Next stop on the cancer train? Clinic on Monday to check if she needs any more transfusions. Next round of chemo (Interim Maintenance #2) starts the week after.

Oh yeah. One more thing: Delayed Intensification is over. OVER!

Day 179: Clinic Roundup

We have had two incredibly long clinic days yesterday and last Monday. I hesitate to blame the hospital bureaucratic snafus because, if they happen every clinic visit, then I think they might not be actual snafus. As a nurse, I should know better, really. “Hospital Time” is 2-4 hours delayed past all your expectations and often, there is no reasonable explanation. Time gets sucked down the drain in tiny, imperceptible droplets until suddenly, you realize it’s dark outside and you need to order a dinner tray.

A week ago, Elsa’s counts were finally high enough to start the second half of Delayed Intensification (ANC 860). The day was 13 hours long due to a three-hour delay in the pharmacy making the kids’ chemos. The whole clinic was in chaos because of the delay, but Elsa actually sailed through quite pleasantly. Not to pat myself on the back too heartily, but I was impressed with her fortitude AND my own. We were a really great team all day, even in the face of her not being able to eat, drink, or nurse for 8 hours (in preparation for her spinal tap, which was then delayed). I was proud of us.

We have a schedule of activities that we put on repeat for these long days. All these activities are made just a little more interesting by the IV pole and short length of IV tubing that reaches from the pole to the port in Elsa’s chest. We are a clumsy, bumbling trio: Elsa, Mom, and the IV pole. So here’s the schedule:

Go visit the receptionists, Amy, Ruby, and Karen and play peek-a-boo. Check out the toys on the receptionists’ desks, which are always themed to the appropriate holiday. Go flip the switch for the choo-choo train that runs along a track on the ceiling. Smile, laugh, and exclaim enthusiastically when the train appears around the corner. Get bored of the train and head down the hallway and around the corner to the four seasonal paintings of trees. Find the tiny bunny in the Spring Tree painting and exclaim enthusiastically, “There’s our tiny, tiny bunny!” Tire quickly of these paintings. Check out what the other kids are doing in the exam rooms and see if anyone will invite us in for a visit. Head back to the waiting room and play with a few boxes of plastic figurines. Find all the plastic dogs and line them up. Now, knock them down. Say they are going “nigh nigh” and put “blankies” (little ripped bits of paper towels) on them. Wake up the doggies and exclaim enthusiastically, “Good morning doggies!” Knock them down again. Repeat until bored. Head to the DVD cabinet and remove, at least, 20 DVDS and then put them back. Walk down the hallway past the infusion rooms and see if anyone wants to invite us in for a play date. Return to our room and read books on the bed. Watch 10 minutes of a DVD of nursery rhymes with totally horrifying animation. The only movie that holds her attention is, of course, the most intolerable one for me. Watch until bored. Take off clothes (Elsa’s clothes, not mine!), sit on the counter next to the sink and fill the sink with no less than 37 paper towels, saturated in hand soap. Wait until Elsa’s feet are shriveled little prunes and she is ready to get down (which can take up to 45 minutes – Score!) Diaper change. Clothing change. Go visit the receptionists Amy, Ruby, and Karen . . . . .

After the third repeat of this cycle, it is just about as mind-numbing as it sounds. Then again, some of our leukemia acquaintances are currently experiencing some really tragic stuff. Awful, awful. We are acutely aware that mind-numbing boredom during a 13 hour clinic day . . . we’ll take it with a smile and a nod and a thank-you. We’ll take it and ask for more please. Boredom is good.

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Photos from our 13 hour clinic day on January 9th, 2012

Our trusty pump:

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Our trusty paper towel dispenser:

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Our trusty soap dispenser:

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A highly coveted nap!

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Getting ready for her 9th spinal tap – she’s an old pro now:

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One dose of ketamine and one dose of versed later and you have this: (* I love how it looks like her doctor is performing a magic trick behind her. . . or conducting an orchestra?)

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Sweet little back, recovering:

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Day 169: A happy toddler

Not much to report, which is great! We went to clinic this past Monday to start the second half of delayed intensification, but Elsa’s counts were way too low (ANC 400), so we got to go home and take the week off (she needs to be 750 to get chemo). While I, initially, felt a twinge of disappointment that we would not be getting this next phase underway, I mostly feel relief that Elsa’s body gets another week to rest before the onslaught.

She is so clearly renewed and rejuvenated. For the past few months, part of me had shamefully started to believe that, perhaps, John and I had given birth to a rotten egg. That’s an awful thing for a mother to think, I know. [I think moms need to think awful thoughts sometimes, say them out loud to a room full of people, and then let themselves off the hook.] It’s hard for me to step back sometimes (probably because we are attached to one another 24/7) and see that, of course, she is irritable because of treatment. I get mired down with this conviction that she has some sort of inborn error in her personality. She has been so incredibly irritable and clingy for the past few months; I had forgotten who my child really is.

It has been nearly three weeks since her last chemo and I am in absolute awe of the child who has returned to our house. She is delightful! We have a delightful child! She goes to bed at a semi-reasonable hour (albeit with an hours worth of fanfare). She sleeps [almost] through the night. She wakes up and doesn’t immediately start screaming. I had started to think that immediate hysteria, upon waking, was just a normal part of being a kid. Turns out that kids who feel good? Yeah, apparently they don’t need to always wake up screaming. Also, for months now, she has been totally incapable of amusing herself for even 60 seconds. She needs to be CONSTANTLY engaged with someone (usually me) and whines incessantly if left to her own devices.

The other night, John and I sat in the living room for an hour while Elsa toddled around the house, playing with her various toys, occasionally bringing them to us and shoving them in our face for us to “eat.” She was happy to just play. No screaming for “na na” (nursing), no whining while clinging to my legs, no wild demands for a schmorgesbord of salty snacks. We were just hanging out together, as a family. The adults doing their own thing, mama feeling free and disentangled, the baby doing her own thing, and the occasional happy collisions of family members: John and I chatting. Me eating Elsa’s play food. John tickling her belly. I said to John, “I think this is what it is supposed to be like to have a kid . . .” and we both just sat, stunned.

I have a problem with my inner monologue (hence, the need for writing). My inner monologue is repetitious – I think John, with all his psychiatric wisdom, would say I am very perseverative. I have phrases that run through my head all day (and night) – they are particularly intense when I’m driving. Many of them are directed at Elsa and one, in particular is, “My god. What have they done to you?” These past few days, I’ve felt this phrase so acutely as she blossoms into a happy little girl. My god. What have they done to you? How could we have lost you for so long, that I had started to believe that you never existed?

All that and I could have just said, “We are having a great week!” and then showed you a Friday Photo mix!

Happy Break

Day 161: Let’s stick with it.

I am writing for the sake of writing. Keeping the blog going. CPR. Resume compressions. I think I’ve done this before.

I’ve been meaning to share this photo for ages. Years even. Next to our coffee maker (which is truly, the most important object in my life), I taped a fortune cookie fortune to the wall. It was the best fortune I have ever received and it is the guiding mantra of my days – even before cancer snuck into our house.

I had planned for some grand entrance for my fortune cookie fortune, but this will have to do. I even think of renaming the blog sometimes: “not the end yet. Let’s stay with it.” Perfection.

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We are floating in limbo, waiting for the second half of Delayed Intensification to start. Tuesday looms on the horizon with new chemos (Cyclophosphamide, Thioguanine, and Ara-C,) and a spinal tap (Methotrexate). Blech. Drats. Shucks. Darn. Fiddlesticks. Fuck ‘em.

The dark cloud of steroids is slowly lifting, so that is drastically improving the quality of our life. I must say that they did take quite the toll this time around. Elsa is hobbling around the house like a 90 year old man in need of a hip replacement and she has a slight tremor which only furthers the “old man” image she is projecting to the world. She got an x-ray of her right hip this past Tuesday because her gait is so unsteady. Hopefully, she is just sore and achy from the steroids and we won’t have to explore scarier paths like Avascular Necrosis of her hip. See, I’m crossing it out just to teach it a lesson.

Her bottom is fiery red from a diaper rash the hospital so graciously bestowed upon her with antibiotic-related diarrhea. She gained 2.2 pounds in the last week, thanks to the guacamole she mainlined 24 hours/day for the past week. Shiny, puffy cheeks and taught, stretched belly returned to give her that extra “Something is very wrong with me but I’m still cute” look. Plus, all the hair she had grown over the past few months jumped ship. There is something about the hair loss that just screams, “Get us out of here! This body is poisonous!”

Sometimes I just look at her and think, “Really? This is my daughter? My sweet girl?”

Just like she bounced back from those first 29 days and we enjoyed sporadic moments of normalcy over the last few months, I assume that will happen again. I am learning that these dark days are cyclical and, so far, they have always been followed by relief and release. No reason to assume otherwise at this point.

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Gosh. I think this all sounded more melancholy than I intended. To be truthful, today, I had a great day! I think it is just that it is midnight and I got all caught up in an I-Hate-Steroids frenzy. Today was a good day. I got time to myself. Therapy, even! Elsa played with her Grampy and her Auntie Cardeents. I managed to reply to a few more emails that are months overdue (truly, they are emails from August). Look, I’m writing. Writing always helps.

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Elsa and her puffy cheeks at clinic this past Tuesday. No chemo, just blood tests and an x-ray. The light in her eyes hadn't yet returned, though steroids finished 24 hours prior. Slowly, she's getting her glow back.