Category Archives: Life Before Baby

Oprah Moments

Posted on April 30, 2008 | 6 Comments

Life has been full of Oprah Moments lately. I learned about Oprah Moments from my friend Kate when we were skiing a few winters back. We were just about to get on the ski lift and she excitedly announced she was ready for some Oprah Moments. She explained that Oprah Moments happen when you are sitting quietly on the lift and rising above the trees and everything is silent and cold and you can see the entire valley and you start feeling very profound. Everything looks clear and beautiful and you are aware of your own heart beating and you feel simultaneously very alone and incredibly connected to everything around you. I think Oprah moments happen for her when she is skiing down the mountain too, but I am unfamiliar with this bliss because I fundamentally dislike skiing as I stumble down the hill making WIDE turns on either side of the trail, avoiding any movement faster than 2 miles an hour. Calling them Oprah Moments is a joke, but it stuck.

My Oprah Moments have been happening daily now that Spring is here. It’s becoming clearer each year that I should leave this climate. I don’t realize how truly miserable I am all winter until spring shows up and I feel like someone has taken a plastic bag off my head and I can suddenly breath again. If I lived in a wintery climate year-round, it’s possible I would have taken my own life by now. Spring shows up and all of a sudden I mysteriously start working out again, cutting calories, eating healthy, flossing my teeth, washing my face, reading, turning off the [godamn] tv, listening to more NPR, looking for ways to get involved in society, thinking about going back to school (mind you, i’ve been out of school for less than a year), wanting to have sex again, etc. etc. Life becomes FULL of Oprah Moments. DAMN YOU WINTER! I’m a shell of a person for five months every year and, each spring, I’m surprised to peak out of my crusty lizard suit and re-discover such an inviting world.

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Posts in my mind.

Posted on March 7, 2008 | Leave a comment

Someday, there will be a technology where I can compose my blog posts without actually having to go home and type them. I probably post something everyday . . . in my head. As I walk home from work, or as I sit on the subway, I compose these incredibly witty posts which never make it to the actual blog. Mostly, I stumble in the door, grab the labtop, crawl into bed with a corn muffin, and watch online episodes of ‘My So-Called Life’ until I fall asleep [which usually happens by 9:30AM]. Then, I wake up anywhere from 5 – 6:30 PM, go to work and start all over again. By the time I make it to work, I have forgotten my clever post from that morning and begin gathering fodder for a new post which will never be written.

I’m the worst at blogging ever.

But, just as I believe that SOMEDAY, I will be a regular teeth flosser, work out 5 times a week, eat four servings of vegetables a day, and wash my face daily . . . So too will I post on my blog regularly!

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Cringe moments

Posted on January 20, 2008 | 3 Comments

First of all, this is such a genius idea:

Cringe Readings

So, I had my own cringe moment the other day at work and I have been trying to hide under a desk ever since.

I had a patient who was horrible and psychotic . . . so basically that’s the start to all my stories. In any event, this particular patient had a panic value on her chart, meaning one of her lab values was dangerously high or low. I was SO busy that night [no "lunch" break until 4AM] and the patient was not in ANY acute distress, so I was not particularly worried.

I glanced at her lab values and saw that, in her CBC (complete blood count), SOMETHING was only 18. I didn’t recognize the lab value immediately and noted that her H&H (hemaglobin and hematocrit) were OK. Good, no blood transfusions tonight; at that point, that was all I cared about. So I pushed the panic value to the back of my mind and continued on with my 56,000 other tasks. Eventually, I meandered over to the attending physician to let him know.

Just a side note: The physicians can see the panic values as well, so it was not as if this woman’s life was in my hands until I let him know. Really, he should have known already from the blinking red microscope symbol next to her name.

So I say, Hey Dr. Flong [not his real name], Patient psychotic with a headache has a panic value – can she be seen soon? [she had not yet been seen 6 hours after arrival]

Dr. Flong: What’s the panic value?
Me: Ummmm (shit, shit). Something obscure or something. I don’t know – I didn’t recognize it. Plt or something? Whatever it is, it’s 18.
Dr. Flong [to the resident standing next to him, both of them trying to act like I don't exist]: Oh, her platelets are 18. Maybe you can see her next?
Me: Ok, great, I have the IQ of a ferret. I’m going to go gouge my eyes out. Thanks.

I mean, come on! PLT!!! PLATELETS!! That would be like a stockbroker saying to his boss: “Hey, so I saw this thing on the news this morning; something about a DOW? It’s low or something. I mean, whatever it is, it must be obscure because I haven’t even heard of it.”

I have been cringing every 40 minutes since this episode.

A note on cringing: When I do or say something stupid [usually at work], I feel the aftershocks for at least 3-7 days afterwards. Thinking about it feels like a bolt of lighting and, frequently, I will visibly shiver, twitch, or do a Tourrette’s-like yelp until the cringe-feeling passes. Anyone else? Is this just part of my generalized anxiety problem which I refuse to address or do normal people do this too?

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Hongos revisited

Posted on November 20, 2007 | 2 Comments

g_hongos2.jpg

I am VERY happy about something right now. I just looked at my “blog stats,” which tell me how many people look at my page each day and which links they click on, etc.

My favorite feature is “Search Terms,” which tells me what phrases people type into Google in order to find my page. 9 times out of 10, it’s obvious that the person is searching for topics unrelated to my blog . . . basically, most people are looking for porn and accidently stumble here. Usually the search terms are, “fuck nurse” or “vagina titty fuck nurse” – I have used all of this words at one time or another in my blog and most of my traffic seems to come from porn searchers.

BUT! Today, I got TWO great search terms.

1. “Como curar los hongos vaginales.” (Translation: How to cure vagina mushrooms/yeast) Some poor spanish-speaking person has found their vagina sprouting with mushrooms (For an explanation of this, read: Hongos) and needed to find a cure fast. Instead, they found my website.

2. Bullet proof vests and aching chest pain.”: Awesome.

ADDENDUM!!!

I just decided to scroll through this past week’s search terms. On the 15th, I had two of the same searches! 1. “Hongos vaginales,” and “Bullet proof vest chest pain.”

So I guess this means I should,

A) Put up some information on yeast infections in spanish. To be announced . . .
B) My official medical advice**: Your bullet proof vest is too tight. Unless you are having a heart attack.

**Disclaimer: Absolutely nothing on this website should be considered medical advice. Again, NO medical advice here.

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