Chapter 1: Ms. Crazy (an epic tale)

I am hesitant to write this post because I know that, in writing, I will never do this story justice. This story needs video and sound, especially. I have debated bringing a tape recorder to work, but I know that the privacy issues there are insurmountable. So this is just the shell of a story really.

My most favorite patient is a man named “Unknown White Male” (UWM). Recently, he has become a daily (and sometimes twice – daily) visitor to my ER. Occasionally, his bed label says, “Unknown White Male,” and other times, he is lucid enough to tell us his actual name. We’ll call him Mr. Macenroe. Mr. Macenroe has been my actual patient four times, though I see him daily.

Encounter # 1: The story actually starts on the street. As I emerged from the subway, four blocks from work, I spotted a homeless man standing on the corner. His pants were pulled down to just below his genitals and his penis was swinging in the wind and dripping urine in a puddle at his feet. He had a thick, discolored beard and was spitting and screaming incoherently like a caged beast. Pedestrians were giving him a very wide berth. I thought to myself – Hm. This man will probably be my patient later.

About five hours later, I got report from the triage nurse that I have a filthy ETOH (drunk) in Isolation Room 14, waiting for me. “Oh, and just a warning, he is a spitter.” Thanks triage nurse.

Remember, we put actual Isolation patients these rooms [TB, Meningitis, bed bugs], but we also keep VERY stinky patients or VERY psychotic patients in there. Sometimes, on a really bad, busy day, we will put 2-3 of our regular drunks in one isolation room, close the door, and hope that, in 12 hours, they will have all disappeared [ie. stumbled out without being seen].

I peeked in the room and saw him [of course!] naked from the waste down, tied to the bed from each wrist, mouth covered by a surgical mask. His substantial yellowish-brown beard spilled out from the sides of his mask and his crazy eyes darted around the room (for more on crazy eyes, try this ). He was still screaming incoherently.

So basically, I was in for a really great morning. Through the window, from 4 feet away, you could see that his scrotum was HUGE. Probably 4 times the size of a normal sac. I chose to ignore him for the time being, deal with my other patients, and then devise a plan of attack for treating this guy. Among my list of orders written by the doctor: rectal temperature and IV. Thank you doctor.

The time finally came that I needed to face Mr. Unknown White Male and his various problems: psychosis and superhuman scrotum. I gathered my IV stuff, the rectal thermometer and a box of gloves. I very nicely asked the doctor to come in the room with me and help me out since he was the one who wanted this rectal temp so much. I grabbed a hospital police officer and another nurse, just for good measure. From the looks of it, the restraints were loosening and I did not want to end up like my colleague who lost her front teeth recently at the hands of a drunk patient.

We opened the door and, totally needless to say, the smell was retched. Unknown White Male stared us down as we approached, grunting and screaming while his scrotum bulged. The doctor, amusingly, tried to interview Unknown White Male about his past medical history:

MD: Sir, do you have any medical problems?
UWM: (roaring) MY PUSSY MOUNT SINAI MEDICAL CENTER FAGGOTS TRYING TO STEAL MY FUCK YOU FUCK YOU TAKE OFF THIS MASK SO MY PUSSY BREATHS FUCKING FAGGOTS (pausing to take a breath) IM A DOCTOR!!!! A DOCTOR FROM MOUNT SINAI BUT MY PUSSY FAGGOTS!!!!!!!!!

Amazingly, we were able to put in an IV with the doctor restraining one arm, hospital police splayed across his legs, and myself and another nurse wrestling with his other arm. I moved around to his feet with the thermometer and in one swift movement, lifted his 37 pound sac in my left hand and stuck the probe in with my right.

FUCKING FAGGOTS GRABBED MY SCROTUM GRABBED MY SCROTUM LET GO OF MY SCROTUM YOU FAGGOT THOSE ARE MY BALLS MY BALLS!!!!!! PROBING MY ASS THESE FAGGOTS! ALWAYS PROBING MY ASS!!!!!!!!!

[Note: If anything, I am underplaying his colorful language and the CAPS just don't do his screaming/spitting justice]

For a brief moment I thought to myself, “I really don’t want to be doing this. I dont want to hold his man’s testicles and I don’t want to be near his anus and I’m not sure how I got to this point in my life where this is actually MY JOB. This is what I get paid for? I have chosen to do this?” The thermometer beeped. No fever. Of course. I threw a sheet over him, which he, of course, ripped off.

We left the room, exhausted and covered in spittle……